Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Motherhood: Growth and Change

We're almost finished our first month of school.  I should be settling in and feeling comfortable and energized, right?  Not exactly.

The little one is going through something (growth spurt maybe?) and crying all the time.  I keep checking her temp, but everything looks good.  Just tired, moody, and demanding.  The older one is ok now, but we went through a really rough week where she couldn't remember even the simplest things we had worked on last year and already reviewed this year.  Add in the fact that we get about fifteen minutes outside in the mornings before the heat reaches 100-degrees, and you can bet we're all a little out of sorts.

Not that I'm complaining.

Really, I'm not.  Actually, I'm feeling so grateful lately for the opportunity to homeschool my kids and for my family in general.  Life is good.

But.

It's not them.  It's me.  I feel like I'm on the verge of . . . lost.  I'm happy, but I feel like I'm growing someone else's skin.  I mean, I was stressed this afternoon (another crying jag from the little one), so my first instinct to find some zen was to bake.  Bake.  I don't bake.  Ok, I bake, but only because I have to now with the gluten sensitivities.  Before the kids were born?  I never baked.  Hated it.  The preciseness and science of it all . . .  blech.  Give me the art of throwing things together in a pot any day over time-intensive pain-in-the-butt baking.  And yet, that was what I wanted to do.  Well, what I would have done if it weren't 101-degrees.

I'm not having a major identity crisis, but I do feel some shifting again.  Which is ok.  I like shifting.  I live for change.  But usually if I'm the one making the decision to change.  This feels like it's all out of my hands.  And so the control freak in me stands up and says, "No!  Let's cut all our hair off!  And run away to some beachy location for a month.  And get rid of half the stuff in the house!  And buy new dishes!  And new clothes!  And let's write a book!  And chickens!  We need chickens!!!"  Really, that voice in my head is exhausting.

So, I'm trying, just like everyone else, to find some balance.  I'm trying to allow for growth and change and still stay true to myself.  For now, I'm paying attention and making little changes.  No major life overhauls yet, not until I'm sure that's the direction I want to take.

Except the hair.  I really think all my hair needs to go.

5 comments:

  1. I know you don't like snakes, but it sounds like you're shedding your skin (or perhaps molting; is that better? Like a crab). That's good energy. I'm always curious where the molting will take me, when I feel that way. Good luck riding it out!

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  2. i cut all my hair off two weeks ago. GOOD THING. :)
    i believe, maybe, there's a "regional" unrest that happens here in the south when the rest of the world starts to cool down a little but we don't get to. . .yet the light IS shifting, too.
    no answers here. keep doing what you're doing,as sometimes just keeping on makes all the difference.
    and get that haircut. :)
    ~april

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  3. If you cut your hair, I will demand pictures!

    If you think the little one seems off, maybe a visit to the doctor? I can't tell you how many times my kids have been whiney for weeks before I finally broke down and took them, only to hear "yep, she's got an ear infection" or "yep, she's got a weird, semi-rare scalp infection that you thought was mosquito bites, you horrible, oblivious mom" or whatever.

    (okay, the pediatrician has never called me horrible and oblivious, but that feeling! That I was telling my kids to put a lid on it when they were sick! Gah!)

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  4. Hang in there. Know you are in our thoughts and prayers. And take that child to the doctor just in case.

    Your encouragement to me was an attaboy I needed too.

    Cutting hair and giving yourself a new makeover can help your self-esteem-mood. I keep going back and forth and here in the south (Bham), you still have a time to go until cold.

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  5. Thanks, everyone!

    April, yes, I blame everything on August. It is a month of unfair down here.

    The little one is much better today (she slept really well last night), but I'm going to keep a close eye on things and take her for a check-up if this continues.

    Oh, and there will be a haircut. It is scheduled. And yes, fear not, there will be pictures. :)

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