We're almost finished our first month of school. I should be settling in and feeling comfortable and energized, right? Not exactly.
The little one is going through something (growth spurt maybe?) and crying all the time. I keep checking her temp, but everything looks good. Just tired, moody, and demanding. The older one is ok now, but we went through a really rough week where she couldn't remember even the simplest things we had worked on last year and already reviewed this year. Add in the fact that we get about fifteen minutes outside in the mornings before the heat reaches 100-degrees, and you can bet we're all a little out of sorts.
Not that I'm complaining.
Really, I'm not. Actually, I'm feeling so grateful lately for the opportunity to homeschool my kids and for my family in general. Life is good.
It's not them. It's me. I feel like I'm on the verge of . . . lost. I'm happy, but I feel like I'm growing someone else's skin. I mean, I was stressed this afternoon (another crying jag from the little one), so my first instinct to find some zen was to bake. Bake. I don't bake. Ok, I bake, but only because I have to now with the gluten sensitivities. Before the kids were born? I never baked. Hated it. The preciseness and science of it all . . . blech. Give me the art of throwing things together in a pot any day over time-intensive pain-in-the-butt baking. And yet, that was what I wanted to do. Well, what I would have done if it weren't 101-degrees.
I'm not having a major identity crisis, but I do feel some shifting again. Which is ok. I like shifting. I live for change. But usually if I'm the one making the decision to change. This feels like it's all out of my hands. And so the control freak in me stands up and says, "No! Let's cut all our hair off! And run away to some beachy location for a month. And get rid of half the stuff in the house! And buy new dishes! And new clothes! And let's write a book! And chickens! We need chickens!!!" Really, that voice in my head is exhausting.
So, I'm trying, just like everyone else, to find some balance. I'm trying to allow for growth and change and still stay true to myself. For now, I'm paying attention and making little changes. No major life overhauls yet, not until I'm sure that's the direction I want to take.
Except the hair. I really think all my hair needs to go.